Being single isn’t the end of the world. In fact, although it may feel awkward at first, there are some advantages to singlehood:
1. You get to do what you want, when you want, without having to check in with a partner.
2. You get to spend as much time with your friends as you like.
3. You get to choose the restaurant.
4. You get to sleep with your cat.
5. You get to have the temperature just right in your bedroom.
Best of all it’s an opportunity to get back in touch with yourself. Too often, we become overly wrapped up in our boyfriend; we stop being a “Jennifer”, for instance, and become a “Brad’s Girlfriend”. By the end of the relationship, we’ve traded our own activities and preferences for “the dress that Brad likes” or “the restaurant Brad prefers”. (If this has happened, it’s a guarantee that it’s part of the reason the partnership has died.)
The worst possible thing you can do is to give into the temptation (or the disastrous but well-intentioned advice from friends) to start dating again right away. You need time to process the loss of the relationship and to come to terms with it. To skip this puts you at risk for dragging baggage into your next relationship. This could cause you to lash out at your new man for no reason or see him through the distorted lens of your ex; a perfectly wonderful man could drop right into your lap, but if you’re not ready for him, it won’t last. The only thing worse than jumping into a new relationship right at after a break-up is finding a guy going through something similar, bonding over your pain, and vowing to heal each other with your love. Gag me with a spoon (sorry to go all 1980s on you, but I really can’t stand that kind of nonsense)!
What can you do with your fabulous, single self?
Self-care is crucial. If you need to mope a bit, keep it to a minimum. Get a massage, buy a new vibrator, get your toes done, buy a new hot outfit. I know when I feel bad, it’s so tempting to drag around in sweats but if I take the time to look cute, it lifts my mood significantly. Treat yourself well by eating good food, drinking lots o’ water (crying is dehydrating!), and getting plenty of sleep.
If you’ve lost touch with your friends, get back in touch with them. If you’re the type to dump her friends and make a man the center of her universe (I am a reformed codependent so I’ve done it), expect that your friends may not be totally excited to hear from you. Make amends. Then make plans to do one of your favorite activities.
Get back into the activities that feed your soul. Maybe it’s a yoga or dance class. Perhaps you write, or sculpt, or make music. Maybe it’s a book club or hiking. So often we quit doing things we love if our boyfriend doesn’t like them but these things nourish you so get back to them! Also, find new activities that you enjoy. Meetup.com is a great resource for finding cool things to do and wonderful people to do them with!
Take a listen to our last episode or check out the blog at ThePassionZone.com to get the low-down on how to rock your own world sexually and sensually. This’ll get you through your dry-spell without murdering anyone and leave you with a much more complete knowledge of your body and how to please it. When you do take a lover again, you’ll know exactly where and how to ask him to touch you that’ll leave you screaming his name. You’ll thank me 😉
After a little time, look back on the relationship and try to look at it objectively. What was good? What mistakes did you make that you don’t want to do again? Try to analyze it. It can be great to have an impartial party to give you a fresh perspective. Try to find someone who won’t be afraid to be honest with you. Coaches are great for this!
Some resources that can help:
Katherine Thomas has a program called Conscious Uncoupling http://evolvingwisdom.com/consciousuncoupling/digital-course/. I listened to a free teleclass by Katherine and really liked her approach to things. She likens a break-up to an auto accident: sometimes it’s a fender-bender and you just need a little chiropractic care, but sometimes it’s a total mash-up and you end up in traction! She has lots of great ideas for how to process the ending of a relationship and how to move on with grace.
I also strongly suggest to everyone to check out PAX Programs at www.UnderstandMen.com. They have programs for both men and women to learn about themselves and each other so that we can all relate better. This info will serve you well with all the men in your life, not just potential love interests. And it’ll prepare you so that you’re next relationship will be awesome!
The point is, use your “alone time” productively. When you’re ready to date again, you’ll be coming from a place of self-confidence and self-love. You’ll be whole (HOT!), not desperately looking for someone to complete you (woefully unattractive).
Scarlet Wylde- Sex & Romance Expert