Couples · Dating · Men

“Make Her Feel Safe With You” by men’s coach DJ Siclari

I’m reblogging this from a site called The Social Man.  More info on DJ is at the end.  I love this and I think it’s great advice!

Posted in Articles, Crank Your Confidence, Dating Done Right

A series on the qualities of the empowered and balanced masculine written for The Social Man.

It’s important for guys who are seeking to improve their relationships with women to learn skills to be an attractive man. However, to find and keep your own personal perfect 10, you will have to become that man. This series then will describe and point the way towards the qualities embodied by the rare balanced and unified masculine man. Modern men have lost touch with many of the qualities that characterize empowered masculinity. Our society lacks strong yet balanced masculine role models and the women’s and men’s movements in some ways have disempowered both men and women. In this series, let’s go on a journey and explore some of the qualities the perfect man would have if he had grown up with ideal mentors. I will use a series of personal stories from my life to illustrate each point.

Quality 3: Protect Her

It was a summer evening and I was out shopping at an organic food store with my sister. As we left the store and walked out the front door, a stocky hillbilly type fellow decided to attack me. My natural instinct developed through years of training led me to immediately push distance between my sister and myself and to cut the path to her so that I could be sure she was safe. After the encounter was finished, I made sure to walk with her to the car one step behind her and on her left, walk around to the passenger side of the car to open the door and be sure she was in, and then I scanned the area one more time and got in the driver’s seat. As I started to pickup the conversation where we had left off when we were so rudely interrupted, my sister just looked at me stunned by what had just transpired.

While this encounter showed me that years of training had been integrated into my natural responses, you don’t need years of training to step up and make a woman feel safe and protected. 

And as the man, your job is to make her feel safe and protected.

Yes, I just stated the same phrase twice as it is that important.

As usual, all of this goes much deeper than your ability to physically protect her. Let’s face it, we’re not living in the jungle and the chances of your being attacked by a mountain lion or human animal is pretty slim. However, I’m going to bet you the money I almost lost the other day when my acrobatic coach told me if I couldn’t hold a handstand, I owed him $100 for each attempt that you are going to want her to open up to you. Yes physically, but also emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc

So, that being the case, let’s briefly look at the process by which a woman opens up.

First, she must feel safe with you If she feels safe and attracted, she may decide to have sex with you though at this point she will likely not fully open physically.

As she feels trust, safety, and connection, she will begin to open her vulnerabilities, aspirations, inspirations, sexual fantasies, etc. We can address that process in a different article but for now suffice it to say this all begins with your ability to make her feel protected and safe with you and from outside discomforts.

As a first step, consider how you interact with her and with others when she is around. Do your actions, words, and even thoughts reinforce that you are a protector? For example, some guys have told me that holding doors is cheesy or needy. It can be if you choose to look at it that way.


What if being chivalrous is actually your being a protector? What if you were to shift your mindset from doing so because you are trying to impress to doing so because you are a protector? So if you choose to open a car door for her, while she is getting safely situated in the car, you can use the opportunity to become aware of all that is going on around you.

And this is just one physical example. What are some other ways that you can convey you are capable of protecting her fears, vulnerabilities, insecurities, and sexual desires? Remember, at its base level, sex for a woman is a process of opening up.

When with a woman whether that be my girlfriend, my sister, family, friends, etc, I often find myself using the skills I learned when I went through professional executive protection school.

There is a major difference that is palpable to her between trying and doing. 

When you are doing because you can, she will intuitively understand that you are coming from a place of strength.

So here are a few tips however I urge you to use these just as a starting point to really consider other ways you can be her protector.  Consider them a pointer to a map rather than the map itself.

And please do post other insights that come to you in the comments section

  • • When holding doors, use those moments to observe what’s going on around you
  • • When in a public place with her, allow her to sit in the least vulnerable seat (ie against the wall facing the crowd) and be aware of the location of the exits however ideally position yourself so that can be aware of all that is going on in the place AND be in a physical position to protect her.
  • • Always think of how you can put her first. Allow her to order first, walk first, sit first, etc. If you do this from a place of strength rather than need to impress, she will notice.
  • • Spend time in conversation learning about her and her world. Give her room to open up and don’t talk about yourself too much. When she shares a vulnerable thought, empathize and add your opinion in a caring way
  • • When walking down the street, walk on her side that puts you between her and traffic

This list could go on forever, but again I simply want to encourage you to begin to look for insights into all the ways you can protect her physically and emotionally.

DJ is a coach, writer, entrepreneur, and aspiring acrobat based in Las Vegas, NV. An avid seeker of all things esoteric, he has been exploring the deeper meanings of the masculine from his teens with elder teachers of NLP, shamanism, warrior arts, and healing arts. DJ first began coaching men in 2005. Visit his blog at

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